musing

The surgery is over and all is well. I have my voice and no thyroid. It was not cancerous. Praise God.

Now I can worry about the price of, oh, everything! Gas is crazy driving up cost of food and lets not talk about electricity. We got our first a/c powered electric bill this month....it's $300!!!!

OMG...

i'm so freaked out. I'm thinking one of us has to get a second job just to make it now.

I am trying hard to trust in God in all of this.

Checkup.

Today is the checkup after the surgery. I see both my endocrinologist and the surgeon today. The endo to check calcium levels, no doubt, and the surgeon to get the two stitches at each end of the incision taken out (assuming the internal are those lovely melting stitches. The scar is big, but not too gross. My neck itches like crazy!! I know that is good and that means it's healing, but it's still frustrating.

One fun little side effect I have discovered is that I lose my voice by the end of the day. I assume that will eventually go away, but it's not fun. Can't yell either. TOTALLY lose voice for a while if I do that (darn dogs). Finally, I can no longer sing. At least not yet. That kind of sucks. I enjoy singing. Hopefully that will come back. I guess I bring these things up today and get back with you later on that.

Post Op

Ok, they did the surgery on Friday. I finally feel human again, almost. There is a good cut across the midline of my neck, not the prettiest. I hope it heals up prettier than it is now or it will look like somebody slashed my throat.

I am exhausted. You would be amazed at how much your neck does for you. It gets you up in the morning. Try getting up without using your neck muscles. Try sneezing, coughing or taking a nice deep breath. But, it's getting easier with time.

I got yelled at for walking up and down the stairs yesterday and trying to do laundry. Yeah, it hurt, but there is only so much sitting in the recliner I can do. I have to sit up because it's too hard to get up from a laying position.

I did not have feeling in my left foot or right hand until today. It's so nice to have that back too!

I still have not heard from the doctors about pathology, but the Surgeon stated that nothing looked weird or dangerous....etc. Thank Goodness.

I should have a check up either end of this week or early next week.

Thanks for hanging in there.

Cloak and Dagger

Wow.

You know what I hated about high school? The popularity contests.

You know what I hate about working in a big office with lots of people and cubicles? Politics and everybody taking and assuming the worst of others.

Put them together and you get a lot of people who wonder what somebody is up to when all they really wanted was to say "hi".

Cloak and dagger off and down.

It's been nice, ladies. I will always have fond memories of you and cherish what you all did when MB had his transplant. Not interested anymore though. You reminded me of why I left in the first place.

My motivation, since you ask, was simply to say hi, reach out to old friends while I was nervous about my future, see how your kids were, maybe see some pictures of those I miss.

No cloak.
No dagger...except the one in me.

So tired of being tired

This whole waiting thing wears me out. I hate waiting (see previous post called I'm a bad waiter). The surgery is this week, but I want it done now. I am pondering the relationship between thyroid and blood sugar. I take glucose controling medication, and since they upped my synthroid dose my sugars have been taking strange and FAST nosedives. I have been horsing around with my meds to try to make the odd drops stop, but they keep happening. Yesterday, about 2 hours after dinner, I was fine, talking on the phone to my dad and after we hung up, I tried to stand up. Imagine my surprise when I COULD NOT STAND UP. I reached my meter and my sugar had dropped to 55. NOT a comfy feeling to be sure. I grabbed MB's half drunk root beer and guzzled it (which resulted in increased blood sugar and heartburn like there was a volcano in my chest). TUM TUM TUM TUM TUMMMMMMMMS. Thank heaven for Tums....and root beer in easy reach.

So, my body is freaking out on me and I just want to get this all over with. The anticipation is the part that freaks me out. Yeah, I'm a little nervous about the surgery in general, but I would rather get it over with.

I am so tired I do the dishes and need a nap. I cook dinner and need a nap. I could not even go to church today becuase I was too tired. Oh, and I thought my sugar would be ROOFTOP high this morning for the rootbeer...yeah, it was 105...perfect really.

Anybody know of links between thyroid issues and blood glucose levels?

Happy Birthday Miracle Boy!!

His birthday is today and he's wound UP. He came in our bedroom at 6am and said HI mommy as he climbed up on me. I hugged him tight and said Happy Birthday baby. Can you believe he said "I knew you'd remeber!" LOL...this kid cracks me up.

We dressed his black cat Webkinz in a Webkinz tuxedo and put it on the laptop in the kitchen along with a scrolling screen saver that says "Happy 7th birthday MB!!!" and it looked like the toy cat did it. hehehehe.

His transformers room is almost ready. The bedding is in the dryer right now. His cake looks AWESOME. I paid a guy at work to make a transformers logo cake for me. I like to pretend I'm artistic, but I know I am not. LOL.

we have 6 scheduled to show for the party, 4 boys and 2 girls, 3 of the boys are spending the night. We will play with the splash rocket water sprinkler and have a "transformers" battle for the all spark in the back yard. We will have cake and ice cream with "transforming" chocolate shell (hehehe i'm stretching it for all I got!)

We got MB the bedroom and clothes for his Webkinz along with a lunch box for his Nintendo DS and skin for Nintendogs.

His brothers' got him a bumblebee transformer and a computer game.

My sister got him the blanket and sheets for his bed and extra transformer peel off stickers for his walls.

My little sister sent him a Walmart card for $25

oh. We also got him Veggie Tales Dance Dance Dance, but it's not here yet.

Party one over today.

Party two tomorrow for Biggest Brother's 15 (OMG....15!!!!) birthday. He got the LOTR battle for middle earth xbox 360 game and steaks for dinner.

busy day, gotta finish cleaning so the kids can mess it all up.

Before I go, I have to give thanks to God. 7 years of a wonderful boy when the doctors all said he would not make it six weeks. Thank you for giving me an amazing child and a long time to play with him and watch him grow into a mighty man of God.

Where we are at today

Here is the status update for those with the playing cards:

I do not have cancer. At least not that we know of. That is one thing they will check the whole thyroid for when they take it out on 6/6.

I am nervous. But not scared. The unknown is always a little intimidating, but I know who holds my future and the future of all of those I love and care for. So I'm good. By NO MEANS do I want to leave this planet and move "onward and upward", but God is really in control here.

I am exhausted. I ate lunch today and was SURE my sugar had to be in the 200+ range because I could not keep my eyes open. Yeah, it was 114, perfect for after eating. So the thyroid thing is really really really exhausting lately. I can just fall asleep at the drop of a hat.

My DH has been wonderful. Daddy's house of tacos cooked dinner last night and even cleaned up, sans doing the dishes, but he did the rest. He's a good guy.

MB's 7th birthday party is Saturday. I'm crazy enough to be having a pizza party/sleepover for the boys. Yeah. SOmebody examine my head. He's standing over my shoulder so I can't tell you all the fun stuff we have planned. Hehehehe.
We have done his room in Transformers, auntie C brought him sheets and a bedspread to match. We got him an Optimus Prime Fat Head type thing, basically a 40" wall decoration that you can peel off when it's time to rearrange the room or move on to older decorations.

So, that concludes this episode of "were we are today". Tune in soon for updates.

BTW, if you are from the May Mommy board, and you want me back, please send me an invite!

Ok, I see daylight, but we are not out of the woods yet

Well, I went to see the surgeon today. I have never met such a gracious man. He sat and LISTENED to me....seriously, everything and anything I said, he listened to me. He listened to me drone on about my kids, my husband, my job, etc. He listed to my medical history. He listened to my questions about the surgery. He answered my questions about the surgery.

They will take the right lobe of my thyroid and leave a small portion of the left to help create less trauma for the parathyroid system. There are risks. Vocal cord nerve damage/paralysis, parathyroid damage and the risk that there is still cancer here and we just missed it with the biopsy.

The surgery is coming up. I will let you in when I know more.

Life is an adventure, good thing I know the author!

God ponderings

Today is a melencholy day. I had to get a steroid shot (long story short, I got the virus from Hades and it's wreaking havoc on my body) so I'm jumpy and moody all at the same time. Sorry hunny.

Anyway, I really really feel the need for God today in my day, life and moment. I cracked open the Word and was reminded of Jesus feeding the 5,000 and then telling the disciples to "quickly get away" while he dispersed the crowds. Wow. That would be like the biggest rock star saying to his/her band "run get in the bus, I'll handle the crowd." Some manager just lost his job. LOL. Anyway, Jesus protected his stunned and weary disciples by ushering them out to "protection" while he handled the pressing crowd who had been there all day. Much to the disciples dismay, however, when they tried to cross the water, the storm kicked up and they were rowing INTO the wind. Have you ever tried to do something that was seemingly IMPOSSIBLE? What on earth are you going to do about the wind. And what about the boat? Those things move with wind....and not in comforting ways (if you understand my green gills point). Not to mention the winds were pretty bad and the boat was probably staring to fall apart, maybe? The disciples were probaby mad and scared and bitter that Jesus was not there suffering with them. The Word tells us that Jesus realized the disciples could not cross for the wind and after a few hours went out across the water to them. The version I read said it was between 3 and 6am when Jesus went out to them.

How long were they on the waves? How scared were they? How hopeless did they feel??

They saw Jesus on the water and thought He was a ghost and became quite AFRAID. Well, yeah! Jesus was walking on the water. I know if my neighbor, friend, co-worker, relative, etc, came walking across water that was not frozen solid I'd freak too. But the Word went on to say "Jesus meant to walk PAST them". Why?
Still pondering that one.

but when they freaked, Jesus stopped, addressed them and calmed the waves.

Wow.

Right now, no matter what is going on in life, my life or yours, please focus on that God waited, God walked and God stopped to help. He was never far off. He saw the disciples struggle in the boat. He saw the fear when they saw him on the water. He calmed the waves.

NO matter HOW far off God is perceived to be, He is not. He sees, He moves, He calms.

and the answer is.....

Thank GOD!!!

The nodules are benign. The right lobe is still huge, so they are trying to shrink it with more levothyroxine. I have read a bunch of stuff on the internet that says that does not work, but I go back in 3 months for another ultrasound. If it is still huge we will look at removing the right lobe.

BUT CANCER FREE baby!

thank you for your love and support.

I swear, if I were not at work I'd be bawling like a baby!

So I had this dream the other night.

I had a dream. In this dream, the woman who did my ultrasounds on the thyroid was the one who told me the situation.

She said, "Well, there were 4 larger nodules. We biopsied one on the left and one on the right." Then, in my dream, she went on to say "The left one is fine, but the right one is a dirty little lump". ROFLMAO....does that mean the right one is just bigger or that it's the nasty C word? Or does it mean I have really weird dreams! Somehow, I think it was because I got back on the internet on Saturday night and looked up EXACTLY, according to medical school books, your thyroid does. They pretty much show things bluntly to med students you know. So I read all the stuff your thyroid does and that if there are multiple nodules it is less likely to be cancerous. I also read that the sudden increas in the size of the right nodule along with the pressure on my trachea means it could be cancer.

So basically, I'm still poorly waiting on the answer from the biopsy.

I have to tell you the other thing that kind of freaks me out is that in a small percentage of instances of FNA (Fine Needle Aspiration) they don't get a good enough sample and have to re-do the biopsy. I think this freaks me out more than anything. I hope to never have to do that again. It hurt a LOT more than I expected. It still hurts when I cough, yawn or sneeze hard.

Maybe we will get answers today. Dad comes tomorrow and we are trying to keep him out of the loop, at least until there is something definative.

and now for something completely different.....

My DH and MB planted some raspberry bushes for me yesterday for my Mother's day gift. How cool is that. I can't wait till we get some yummy fresh fruit without paying $5.25 for a 1/2 pint.

I'm kinda glad nobody is really reading this right now

It means I can be honest.

I am a poor waiter. I don't mean waiting tables, I mean waiting. I could not wait to find out the gender of my child, so the first opportunity I had I found out he was a boy. I could not wait to get out of high school, so I graduated early. I wanted to hurry up and go to college, so I technically dropped out of high school early (with permssion since I was passing everything with an A) to go to college early. You see a pattern here?

I hate waiting.

This whole "waiting for good or bad news" is making me nuts. I'm already exhausted, have a sinus infection on top of whatever this thyroid mess is, and really just want to sleep. I would not say I am depressed, because honestly, I am not. I am just tired...tired and I hate waiting.

I wish I would get the call, email, whatever NOW so I don't have to wait anymore.

I am a take action kind of person. I want to know if I have to be ready to fight or just simply ready to have the darn thing cut out so it stops choking me.

I just want to know. NOW.

Thanks for waiting with me if you really are here reading this.

Wow it's been a long time, how things change

I can't believe I have not been here since Christmas. Well, yes I can. We have been working on moving. Selling a house in a crisis market and finding one we can afford. I'm happy to say that these aspects are taken care of. We now have gone from a 1048 sq foot house to a monster of a 2200+ unfinshed basement house. We got a decent deal, but it's a LOT More money, and for somebody who is always stressed about money, that is not a good thing.

We are happily and slowly trying to unpack.

My dad is coming for a visit next week to see our new house. He is "trial visiting" to see if he could live with us. Ha. This ought to be fun. He really does need to get out of Texas though. He is entirely too far away if and when he needs help. It sucks that he is so far away.

The other thing I am a bit reluctant to note less my father actually find my blog. I am in the midst of a "pseudo medical crisis". It appears I have some nodes on my thyroid that are pretty big. I had a biopsy yesterday. That was most uncomfortable. Basically, 2 needles in each lobe to "numb" and then 5 passes with a needle into each suspect nodule to test for the Big C, for a total of 14 sticks in my neck. Yeah. You never realize how much you use your neck muscles when you bend over, sleep, turn your head, etc. until it feels like somebody has punched through your neck. I'm exhausted and in pain basically. The bad part is we will not know for another few days if it's bad or not so bad news. The not so bad is that they are taking the thyroid out anyway because it is so big and swollen and pressing on my trachea. We won't talk about the bad. I really don't think it is anyway.

MB turns 7 this month. He wants a pizza party/sleepover. I have had to explain over and over that the girls can come for pizza and cake, but not for sleepover. No mixed sleepovers...not even at 7.

We also have adopted a golden retreiver named, Goldie. LOL. She's a mess, but at least she is good to MB and does not pee in the house. She sleeps contentedly by DH's bedside. LOL. He hates that. We are also house sitting a friend's bird dog while she looks for a house. She was buying/selling the same time we were and her deal fell through, so she's rather homeless (we offered to let her live here, but she's too proud) but her dog has a big yard to run in now.

I forgot to mention that. We live on a busy street now, but we have a HUGE back yard. I'm getting berry bushes for Mother's day!

Sorry it's been so long. I will be a better blogger and update more frequently. Check in as we walk through the Valley of the Shadow together.

Merry Christmas to all

and to all a good night.

It is Christmas today in our house. With step-children, you ask Santa to come early if the kids are here for the weekend,and the jolly one obliged.

We did the traditional Christmas lasagna and I have been in the kitchen for probably 15 straight hours. The oven on literally from 10am till 6pm when dinner was done.

How is it we women can actually really truly time dinner so it is all done at the same time with only one oven, 2 burners and a menu that look like something from an Italian bistro??? Oh well, it turned out well and we are all fat and sassy.

The cool part about getting the hubbub out of the way today, on Tuesday, we can focus on Jesus with MB.

Yeah. I like this early Santa thing.

From my house to yours, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a God filled New Year!

Are you there God, it's me, Margaret....

there are moments of my life and constants in my life that make me ask that question. Sometimes it is a prayer, sincere, heartfelt, honest. Are you there, God?? My head knows He is. My heart sometimes need convincing.

I don't know, maybe I'm Pollyannaish in my thinking. I want it all, a good job, a clean house, dinner on the table at a reasonable hour, a child that will do what he is told and a husband that not only says he loves me, but shows me in all the little ways that mean so much.

Lately, I must be missing something because I feel utterly lost, unloved, unlovable and bewilderingly invisible. I can be in the middle of a sentence to somebody and they walk away, start talking to somebody else or start talking about themselves. This, even after they ask a question. Then, they ask you for help and you are giving them the answer (work situation here) and they want to challenge the answer. If you KNEW the answer, why did you ask me??

I have another opportunity for possible advancement at work, but I really don't think I could take it right now. That place is all turning in on itself and it's not pretty. The job would mean more stress...and I'm about to snap as it is. I don't think I will take the opportunity that is presenting itself, though it is quite tempting.

Home life is just CRAZY.....crazy...crazy. The holidays, the kids, the money, the sister, the husband, the darn cat. I have always thought that when there is something about somebody that bothers you it is the plank/sawdust issue. The plank in your eye makes you dislike a person for the sawdust in his eye (which to him/her is a plank to the sawdust in your eye). I'm starting to wonder if that is true. On some levels I see it. On others, I think my peace peace mentality is killing me.

I lost 5 pounds. That is a good thing. I finally got my wish. I used to be a person who ate whenever they were stressed. Now, apparently, I am becoming somebody who can not eat when they are stressed. How is this good you ask? Well, I am about the size of 2 grown women. It's time for one to leave.

Unfortunately, the nice me is leaving with her. I am tired of being taken advantage of, being walked on and taken for granted. I hear the Word reminding me to not grow weary in doing good, but right now, I'm just weary of doing.

OK, my wandering is over.

I'm going to bed so I can get up before the sun and start it all over again.

Struggle

Not sure I'm fighting with an angel, but I can guarantee you the devil's little dirty paws are in here too, pointing, judging, accusing.

I have become acutely aware of how dark my little heart is. I have become acutely aware of how horrible that makes me feel. I am aware of God's magnificant grace and mercy.

I have also become acutely aware of how much I need some changes in my life, both professionally, personally and spiritually; as a mother and a wife; as a churchgoer and Christian.

My, the wickedness of man's heart! I am thankful for my redeemer.

Do you ever really get over stuff?

I am wondering lately if you ever really get over things you missed. Let me know what you think. What do I mean? Well, I hate going to baby showers. Never was very fond of them, but for some reason I really hate them now. It is probably because I feel cheated out of mine when I had MB. I was in the hospital for 6 weeks before he was born and the baby shower that had been planned by the girls at work was just "cancelled". Nothing. Just not done. I would have given anything for them to have come to the hospital and had it there.

A girl at church just had her baby at 27 weeks due to toxoplasmosis. The baby is amazing! About 1 and 1/2 pounds and breathing on her own on room air. I tell you what, she is a miracle. Mom is better. The church is planning a baby shower for her. The whole situation throws me back to my NICU experience with MB and stresses me out. I will attend her shower. I want to make sure her baby is welcomed.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter. The nurses in the hospital where MB was born were so sweet. They brought in all of their old baby clothes for MB so he had something. And another sweet friend brought me a diaper bag and rattles and bibs. I'm thankful, but still find it hard to go to baby showers.

Then there is feeding babies. I LOVE and long to feed babies. MB did not eat. NOPE. I think he was 2 or maybe 2 1/2 before he ate and he never ate baby cereal or baby food. I blended up adult food. I missed the whole pleasure of feeding your baby. Maybe that is why I still shovel it in for him when he won't eat. LOL.
This was brought up by looking at lovely pictures of a sweet baby of a friend of mine who was HAPPILY eating baby food. I realized "I want to feed a baby". I'm rather pathetic, so forgive me and let me feed your kid ok.

Then last night I watched Fried Green Tomatoes while DH was out at a hockey game on his birthday and cried like a fool. I realize again how much I miss my mom. How I can't just call her and say "hey mom. MB has a loose tooth, FINALLY, but his adult tooth is coming in behind it instead of under it. Didn't my front tooth do that? Do I need to take him to the dentist?" I can't ask dad. I love dad, but he is rather clueless to all that happened to us as kids.

So I"m full of "Wow I gotta get over this stuff" today. Any ideas how one gets over what one lost or missed? I want to live a life of no regrets.

I am 6...going on 16

My sweet MB has gone from 6 straight to the teens.

We were shopping with my sister yesterday (while DH painted the house ;) ) I have been talking about getting MB a digital watch. He really loves watches and I think he gets teased a little that his medic alert bracelet is not a watch.

Anyway, I was looking for a digital watch but not finding them. I told MB we would go to WalMart and look, I was sure I could find (a cheap one) one there. He had a meltdown. Then my sister saw a watch in a different spot. We went to look with MB whining behind us. Then we didn't see any digital again so we walked off, MB huffing along with us.

Then I saw them...digital watches. I started to head toward them and called MB to come on. He started huffing and whining and stomping toward the display. I showed him the watch and then told him because of his rotten attitude he was not getting one (maybe Santa will be nicer than mommy). So we went and paid for the jeans (BTW, JC Penny has Arizona jeans buy one get one for $1) and other things my sister got and left.

As we are leaving the store MV says, in TOTAL seriousness:

"but mom, all the other kids are gonna tease me because I don't have a watch!!!"

ROFLOL... I looked at him, looked at my sister, then we both (my sister and I) started cracking up!! That was such a beautiful attempt at parental manipulation that I thought about rewarding that WITH the watch. OMG...he's 6...not 16. What in the WORLD am I gonna get at 16??

So...here it comes. Good thing my sense of humor is still intact.

I can't believe I let this anniversary pass uncelebrated!

MB is FIVE years post kidney transplant and doing great!!!! On August 8, 2002, my baby boy and my husband went away from me for over 12 hours of surgery.

My husband GAVE freely of himself. He gave MB a kidney.

They are my heros!

God, you amaze me every day I get to see MB's smiling face. I love him so much and am so thankful that you not only spared him death, but provided a parent with health and the right blood type to give him the precious gift of life.

You created him
I carried him
Daddy saved his life
Lord, you saved his soul.

How much better can it get than that!!

Happy Kidney Transplant Anniversary!!!! And many many many (at least 70) more!!

Flying leap

I sure wish that was a totally spritual thing. Taking a flying leap of faith and stepping out to __________ (fill in the blank with appropriate spiritual activity).

But not me. Nope. When I take a flying leap, it's literal, unfortunately.

This morning started out like any other. Up at 5:30, clean the puppy pen so the house does not REEK, feed the puppies (so they can mess it all up again), get MB up and ready for school, put the load of laundry I forgot about from the washer to the dryer, find clothes, make lunches, take a shower. Opps. forgot make the coffee.
Try to be sure I give MB his meds, or daddy knows which ones to give and gives them, get dressed, run out the door scanning for ID badge, purse, keys, cell phone and charger (as I have a newly found bad habit of forgetting to charge my phone at night).

Finally, run out the door. Here's where the leap comes in...well, the trip and fall into the rock driveway. Not paved. Those of you who have been here know. Not a pleasent surface to land on your face on.

In the rush to get MB to school on time, DH and I had a loud discussion, he stormed off to the van with MB while I finshed up getting supper started in the crock pot, whined that I'm under appreciated and spilled my coffee. OK, God, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be mad that he sleeps 30 to 45 minutes longer than I get to. It's my own choice. I don't like being crazy in the morning. Ok. I will apologize when I get to the VAAAaaaaaaaaan *KABLAM*

That, good friend, is the sound of me hitting the rocks. Did you hear it where you are?? DH comes running from the van. Honestly, I was bit stunned. I could not get up at first. Legs didn't want to move. Shoe (which caused the whole trip) was unbuckled. I am now covered in rock dust and pain. Hot seering pain. Yeah baby, wear that one to work for a rugged, hard working appearance.

With much assistance from DH I get up and hobble back into the house to clean up while he runs MB to school (Late on his 2nd full day because of me, thankyouverymuch). I get in the house and assess that I have no other clean work pants. Choice.....skirt or brush the dust off. Since I didn't tear the pants or bleed through them...they stay on. The shirt, tears mixed with dust = mud. Gotta change the shirt.

Well, YEAH I cried. Dude I was in P A I N. If you know me, it's bad to make me cry. I clean up, wash away the blood and clean up my pride as DH comes back for me and we go to work.

I told him in the car this is our reward for fighting in the morning. He was mad,I was mad, God made us realize we could REALLY be late or really hurt. Thankfully, nothing broken, other than pride. Time is nothing. People are everything.

Maybe I will start my mad morning dash at 5am instead of 5:30 while the puppies are here for 2 more weeks.

Maybe the flying leap was spiritual after all.

Where is the ibuprofen.