Thursday, October 27, 2005

More random stuff

I have a few good job leads before I crawl to Wally-World and apply for a job. I will call one on Friday (that I actually hope I get) to set up an interview. Prayers and positive thoughts are apprecitated on that one. It's just a few minutes from my house and I have found some excellent child care for MB should I get this job. Some of my plans will have to change, but God is still in the midst of it all. I know he is.

I have lost more weight. When I stepped on the scale at the docs office (the scale I will trust as opposed to my personal scale which is on crack, but has been giving me consistent wacky numbers lately so I can actually gauge whether I am going up or down by it) I have lost a total of 16 pounds on the Byetta (Lizzard spit) now. I still get pretty nauseated on it, but I can usually function now. I have been on it for 2 months. I did pass one barrier in weight that I really wanted to pass, now I have my eyes on the next one. Here, and only here, I will confess that I did not take the Byetta yesterday because I did not feel like suffering it's effects in combination with "aunt flow" (you girls know what I mean). I have to say, I now have a good healthy fear of food! Even though I did eat a little more than I would on the Byetta, I did not eat anywhere near what I would have previously. I just don't want to. Nothing sounds good anymore. LOL....that is a good thing.

Home schooling has taken a bit of a turn with the reversal of fortunes as far as work is concerned. I have a feeling I will be sending MB to the local *gulp* public school unless I get a great paying job where I can afford to send him to one of the private schools. I have till August to figure this all out, so I will not sweat it right now.


DH has given me the opportunity to move back to my beloved state of Illinois. I am not sure I am ready to do this yet. I know that sounds weird to anybody who knows me and knows how much I really want to be back in Illinois, but leaving now presents a LOT of problems. The step-kids would not be able to come with us, we would have to do a lot of work to sell our house, it is OUR house and bit it tiny as it is it is the only home MB has ever known, I finally resigned myself that I live in Tennessee and I"m getting used to it. I have friends now here (not as good as my friend anxiously waiting for me to come back to Illinois, but friends) and a good church and MOPs. I would miss our neighbors too. They are good people. Not sure what we are doing yet, it all hinges on me finding another job.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005


Thanks to Mr. Bowie for the song and to my previous employer for hoisting it upon me. I lost my job yesterday. Part of me is scared spitless, part of me is happy I don't have to sit here and type all day long. I do, however, have to find a job, and pretty quickly at that. This is a great time of year for seasonal employment, but not much else, I'm afraid. I do have a few good leads and ideas and one very interesting proposition that involves moving back to my home state of Illinois....Land of Lincoln, Land I LOVE. There is an awful lot to consider and I really don't want to miss God in all of this. I believe He orchestrated it all, honestly. I never really did like doing medical transcription, but it was a way to stay home with MB.

That is one of my big sticking points. I have a good friend who is looking to take in some kids for daycare and I love and trust her and we have a lot of the same philosophies in parenting. She also intends to home school her kids. This is an option, but an expensive one. I need a great paying job to pull it off, and I am not sure how I feel about being separated from MB for 8 hours per day. I have never done that except the couple of days he went to Illinois with daddy and I stayed home to work.

Lots of cha cha cha changes.
it was David Bowie wasn't it? Ah old age and stress...the brain zapper.

Friday, October 21, 2005

I think my kid is trying to kill me

or at least give me a coronary.

We got home from MOPS today at 1-ish and he went outside in the front yard to play with the kitty. Fine and dandy that is a great idea while I wind down and chill.

I hear and see an unfamiliar Mauve SUV go down our street. No biggie, just somebody lost I"m sure. Then it hits me....where is MB? I call his name....nothing.
I call his name again, front and back door are open. He did not come in.

I call him again, this time going to the front door where I see the front GATE is open. Ok. I panic a bit. I call his name......nothing....I call louder.....LOUDER...I'M SCREAMING HIS NAME NOW. NOTHING........

I'm about to T-total panic and I run to the back his name again.....

and I see him in the van, pretending to drive (at least this time he left the door open after our lecture on why we don't play in the van alone with the door shut EVER!).

A mixture of relief and anger course through my veins. I go to the van, open the passenger door, I'm sure looking like a crazy woman. The conversation went like this....

"MB, did you hear me call your name".
"yeah" still driving but wondering how I'm gonna respond.
"Why on EARTH didn't you answer me? "
"I was driving".
"MB, you don't understand. When mommy calls your name you NEED to answer me. Mommy thought somebody took you. "
"are you mad"
"No, but I'm scared and I don't ever want to be scared like that again. First, you know you are not supposed to leave the front yard w/o asking. Secondly you are never supposed to play in the car by yourself. and finally, you ALWAYS answer when mommy calls. Now, get in the are DONE playing outside."

I think I need to see a hairdresser now. He gave me 100 new gray hairs.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The evil that is the local news.

You think living in one of the top 50 markets in the country the news stations would CHECK that the stories are correct and accurate before going on the air.

Case in point:

This morning at 5:50-ish I turned on the local news to my favorite channel, News Channel 5, because the morning team is just that, a team of people who actually seem to enjoy one another's company at ungodly hours of the morning. I listen loosely to the local news as I log in to work and start pulling down jobs to type from the mothership.

Out of the corner of my ear I catch "up next, More Tennessee troops are home" yadda yadda yadda.....

You may remember that our dear friend Military Wife stayed with us after her "incident" because her soldier is in "the sandbox" of Iraq. So I was quickly tuned to the news, full attention, while I waited to hear if it was soldier J's division. Low and behold, yes, it IS the correct number for Soldier J's division. I about jumped up and down....I hit our mommy's board and congratulated Military Wife on his homecoming and was, honestly, a little upset she did not tell us. I saw the story again and peered mercilessly (sorry eyeballs, it was only 6:15 am) but did not see Soldier J or Military wife on screen, but come on...there WERE a lot of people there at Ft. Bragg.

Then all the other mommies congratulate Military Wife too...who, it appears, is quite perplexed that SHE knows nothing of this homecoming. SO here I sit, egg clearly on my face (and I imagine a few ppl wanting to Toilet Paper my house) because the news said the the division was back when, actually, only part of the many pieces of this division is back. Come on guys, lets get the facts straight.

SO I issue an apology to Military Wife. I should have KNOWN you would have told us.

I also give warning to you my friend...don't trust the news, even if they smile at you and are NICE at 5:50 in the morning....Apparently there is not enough coffee in the state of Tennessee to make ANYBODY think logically at that time of the morning.

Friday, October 14, 2005


Today I discovered something about myself I was only vaguely aware of.

I love a good ham sandwich on white bread with mustard. LOL

That was lunch. A totally unhealthy but fast while I wait for work and feed MB who wanted to eat a brownie that is STILL sitting on the table...but ham sammich! so simple. So tangy and bland all at the same time. No no...don't add cheese....

just 3 pieces of ham, 2 slices of soft white totally unhealthy death bomb bread and a squirt of good old yellow mustard.

Ahhh the simple things.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

You know what I really really.....

Sarcasm. I am utterly in love with the art form of sarcasm. Did you not know it was an art form? Apparently at my job it is the purest of art forms in the quality assurance department. In fact, I find it so enjoyable I wish, just for once, the QA people at work would bombard me with sarcasm in the face of my faults ( certainly not a personal attack by the loving, kind and helpful people at QA).

No really, they have to be my very personal faults, it's a fact. You know the kind of personal faults which make me incapable of opening a medical dictionary, make me choose, obviously, not to have a medical dictionary or drug guide or the fact that am so stupid I don't know how to USE a dictionary.

I enjoy the kind of sarcasm that tells me in response to my honestly frustrated email (using kind words and not accusing them of being the lovely people they are being) that I spelled something wrong in my email too....

the kind of sarcasm's that tells me I couldn't possibly learn from my mistakes because I made the same one again.

I had forgotten that I was perfect. Did you not realize I was PERFECT in all I type, do and say?
Apparently I forgot I was perfect today and made some mistakes.

How am I repaid for my recent amnesia...I am rewarded by the afternoon off because they are so concerned for my well being and return to perfection that they have forgotten I'm waiting for them to download what they are so graciously allowing me to type.

I can't WAIT to work more for them. I am so enthusiastic at their valuable feedback and honest rapport that I think I will sit here 18 hours a day to type the required 12,500 lines per pay period.


Tuesday, October 11, 2005

School started today.

I started home schooling MB today. As a result of all of my stress and worry my DH has come up with a very bright solution (I know I married him for a good reason didn't I, he's smart!) We had a great conversation about work, bills, school and the recent cost of gas and coffee.

In this, amazingly for us, very civil discussion and planning session we discovered that I need to bring in about $1200 per month to keep us afloat. I can do that at a "job" rather than a "career I hate". We also discussed his job and how we can, prayerfully, get a set schedule for him so we can make a family life around the rest of our schedules.

We also talked school for MB. We discussed WHY we want to home school him. All reasons are fully valid.
1) Kidney transplant + immunosuppression + a room of 12 to 20 germy kids = potential disaster.
2) MB with kidney placed below his tummy in the front + bully or dodgeball = potential disaster.
3) MB being a total nerd already at 4-1/2 + bored teacher w/20 other kids who aren't worked with like MB = MB getting bored and bored MB = LOTS of misbehavior.
4) Bored MB = losing intelligence instead of flourishing MB.

So, that all being said, coupled with MIL being a teacher, DH being into computers and momma able to do most else and a slew of home schooled kids near by should be a good balance of peers, teachers, teaching styles and creative, one on one focused education.

So today I asked MB if he wanted to start school. He jumped up and down grabbing at me to do it we did. We worked for about 40 mintues on letters (I gave him the choice of numbers or letters, he chose letters). Since, to date, he would not hold a pencil or write, we started by learning how to draw the letter A, in flour on a cookie sheet. From there we moved to the Letter A in his workbook...from there drawing the letter A on a pad of lined paper.

He also showed me he can draw C and S and M.

We are on the move....he is so excited, and that is good.

All this to say, DH, I am so thankful you gave me a shove and set me off in the right, where to find that job.

Monday, October 10, 2005

I think I have succeeded

in scaring you all away.
The counter ticks up to tell me you were here
but not a word you say.

Hello, is this thing on?

I had a dream...

I have been praying a lot lately about what I am supposed to be doing with my life (other than the obvious wife and mother, which plays into it all eventually).

If you did not know, I have "done" radio since 1987 in one way or another, stopping only in the last 2 years to concentrate on my family and MB. Though I am very fulfilled in my role as mom and wife (not housekeeper though, I need some serious help there) I am by no means as fulfilled in my work as a medical transcriptionist. It, right now, it is just a job and one I don't want to do anymore at that. It was all right for the first 2 years, but lately I'm just bored. I don't want to say I'm not challenged in the work because I am, but I don't feel the least bit fulfilled by my work. They say if you spend over 40 hours per week doing something you ought to enjoy it. I just don't anymore.

So I have been praying.

I have been having "radio dreams". What this means for those who have never had a "radio dream" it is that you are in a studio, there is DEAD AIR (nothing on the air) and you have to figure out within seconds how to get the station back on the air, but the board and all the equipment is different that what you have been trained on and the manager is storming down the hall. Yep, stressful dream, but common among all in the field.

Since I had been having the "radio dream" again I felt maybe that is the direction I need to be headed back into. I just came back from a couple hour visit w/a friend on the air at a national network here in Nashville. I worked with him about 5 years ago at another network type station. It was an enjoyable time to be back in a radio station and I got to talk to the program director who says he may have something for me, most likely part time.

But now that I am back home, I'm not sure I'm walking the right path. I really need some sort of big neon sign from God right now as to what I am supposed to be doing.

The whole MB school thing is always simmering somewhere in the background....will the job be enough that I can quit transcription?...will I ever feel fulfilled in my work again or do I just need to go get a "job" where I can bring money into the house and LEAVE my job behind?

So many thoughts swirling in my head. I really wish God would just plop it all in my lap. I NEED him to do that because I don't want to traipse down the wrong path and discourage myself further.

I guess this is just another of my wandering posts.....maybe even wondering....but this is my journey and you are welcome along. Input is always appreciated. Advise is always considered.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

I've been tagged by Military Wife

Here are the rules:
1. Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Post the fifth sentence or close to it.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag 5 other people to do the same.

"I have spanked, I DO NOT and WILL NOT ever BEAT my child."

Actually, I was asking for parenting tips in the poost, but nobody offered any. Se la vie!

I now tag
Preacher Man - Free Thoughts
Little dreamer
Citizen Mom
and finally
Finding Liz

There is somthing foul in the air....

Apparently yesterday was a good day. Today...much worse. I have never felt like such a complete and utter failure in a long long time.

I feel like a failure because I neglect my son for work, but apparently the job I have done for 3-1/2 years now I suddenly am incapable of doing correctly and I'm being penalized (and probalby about to be booted).

I feel like a failure at home because my house is perpetually a train wreck.

I feel like a failure as a wife for more reasons than time, space and my husband would appreciate me posting here and now.

I feel like a failure as a woman because I feel like a blob, don't do my hair, am not bothering with make up and my clothes....well...unstylish comes to mind immediately.

I feel like a failure as a Christian because I just don't have enough faith...for so many things.

I feel like a failure as a "helper" because now my income is not enough to help my family.

where did I go wrong? If you know, tell me because I need to put it to right and fast before things get much worse....they always can. They can also get better....somewhere is a flicker of hope that it will get better, but I need it soon.

thanks for listening to me whine.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Good Things.

I am having a sucky life feels as though it is being sucked out of me. So, instead of letting the heaping load of donkey dung I'm being shoveled today get me futher down, I decided I better find some things to be thankful for today to shovel myself out of it all. So, you, without taking a lot of time to think about it, tell me 10 to 15 things you are thankful for is my list.

1. MB is healthy and part of my live.
2. I have a house, a horribly shamefully messy house, but a house.
3. I have a husband who loves me, not necessarily the way I need to be loved, but loves me.
4. I have a job. It sucks right now, but it is a job.
5. There is food in my house. I know where our next meal is coming from.
6. God loves me and is my provider...even though I still struggle with Him for control...He still loves me.
7. I am "healthy" for all intents and purposes compared to others I love and know and those I don't.
8. I have water/power/and Soap with which to clean my messy house.
9. I have friends who love me and want to help when I humble myself enough to admit I need help.
10. There is so much more to this life than the problems I'm having right now.
11. My parents and in-laws are still alive and a phone call away.
12. My friends value my opinions enough to ask them....and advice is always free and hardly ever taken.
13. There is at least a few dollars in the checking account.
14. I have not been tempted beyond anything more common than any other man.
15. I know where I will sleep tonight.
and a bonus for you.
16. If this all ended today I know were I will be, in heaven praising God in person.

There. I feel better already. How bout you?

Saturday, October 01, 2005

One way to know you have a great babysitter

Are you ready? When your child CRIES because she is leaving and then pushes you to the door and tells you to leave again so she can stay.

I tell you what are a keeper girl!

I called her this week to come babysit just because MB has done nothing but talk about his babysitter (in the yellow shirt) for 5 days, yes 5 days. He refers to her as "My babysitter....I love her". I wonder if she's feeding him extra junk in his bedroom when I leave (no food allowed in the bedroom!!. I bet she is handing him M & M's. LOL.....

Granted, she is a cute little giddy blonde thing who can drive and loves playing with kids....but what spell have you cast upon my son and where were you 4 years ago! Holy Cow.

SO I call her to just "come play" with MB who is beside himself telling everybody at the grocery store that his babysitter in the yellow shirt ("I looooovve her mommy.) is coming to the house. He must have asked me 30 times while shopping what time it was. I guess he did have a hot date.

I am going to have to lock this kid in his room when he turns 13.

On the really plus side, she's trained in CPR, drives so I don't have to, and thinks MB is the sweetest thing since Pop Tarts started going in the freezer. She is also an on-fire Christian girl who LOVES people. Her family took in a family from Louisiana and she cried because they are moving out this week (down the street from them).

Yep, she's a keeper.