Saturday, December 22, 2007

Merry Christmas to all

and to all a good night.

It is Christmas today in our house. With step-children, you ask Santa to come early if the kids are here for the weekend,and the jolly one obliged.

We did the traditional Christmas lasagna and I have been in the kitchen for probably 15 straight hours. The oven on literally from 10am till 6pm when dinner was done.

How is it we women can actually really truly time dinner so it is all done at the same time with only one oven, 2 burners and a menu that look like something from an Italian bistro??? Oh well, it turned out well and we are all fat and sassy.

The cool part about getting the hubbub out of the way today, on Tuesday, we can focus on Jesus with MB.

Yeah. I like this early Santa thing.

From my house to yours, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a God filled New Year!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Are you there God, it's me, Margaret....

there are moments of my life and constants in my life that make me ask that question. Sometimes it is a prayer, sincere, heartfelt, honest. Are you there, God?? My head knows He is. My heart sometimes need convincing.

I don't know, maybe I'm Pollyannaish in my thinking. I want it all, a good job, a clean house, dinner on the table at a reasonable hour, a child that will do what he is told and a husband that not only says he loves me, but shows me in all the little ways that mean so much.

Lately, I must be missing something because I feel utterly lost, unloved, unlovable and bewilderingly invisible. I can be in the middle of a sentence to somebody and they walk away, start talking to somebody else or start talking about themselves. This, even after they ask a question. Then, they ask you for help and you are giving them the answer (work situation here) and they want to challenge the answer. If you KNEW the answer, why did you ask me??

I have another opportunity for possible advancement at work, but I really don't think I could take it right now. That place is all turning in on itself and it's not pretty. The job would mean more stress...and I'm about to snap as it is. I don't think I will take the opportunity that is presenting itself, though it is quite tempting.

Home life is just CRAZY.....crazy...crazy. The holidays, the kids, the money, the sister, the husband, the darn cat. I have always thought that when there is something about somebody that bothers you it is the plank/sawdust issue. The plank in your eye makes you dislike a person for the sawdust in his eye (which to him/her is a plank to the sawdust in your eye). I'm starting to wonder if that is true. On some levels I see it. On others, I think my peace peace mentality is killing me.

I lost 5 pounds. That is a good thing. I finally got my wish. I used to be a person who ate whenever they were stressed. Now, apparently, I am becoming somebody who can not eat when they are stressed. How is this good you ask? Well, I am about the size of 2 grown women. It's time for one to leave.

Unfortunately, the nice me is leaving with her. I am tired of being taken advantage of, being walked on and taken for granted. I hear the Word reminding me to not grow weary in doing good, but right now, I'm just weary of doing.

OK, my wandering is over.

I'm going to bed so I can get up before the sun and start it all over again.

Thursday, October 04, 2007


Not sure I'm fighting with an angel, but I can guarantee you the devil's little dirty paws are in here too, pointing, judging, accusing.

I have become acutely aware of how dark my little heart is. I have become acutely aware of how horrible that makes me feel. I am aware of God's magnificant grace and mercy.

I have also become acutely aware of how much I need some changes in my life, both professionally, personally and spiritually; as a mother and a wife; as a churchgoer and Christian.

My, the wickedness of man's heart! I am thankful for my redeemer.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Do you ever really get over stuff?

I am wondering lately if you ever really get over things you missed. Let me know what you think. What do I mean? Well, I hate going to baby showers. Never was very fond of them, but for some reason I really hate them now. It is probably because I feel cheated out of mine when I had MB. I was in the hospital for 6 weeks before he was born and the baby shower that had been planned by the girls at work was just "cancelled". Nothing. Just not done. I would have given anything for them to have come to the hospital and had it there.

A girl at church just had her baby at 27 weeks due to toxoplasmosis. The baby is amazing! About 1 and 1/2 pounds and breathing on her own on room air. I tell you what, she is a miracle. Mom is better. The church is planning a baby shower for her. The whole situation throws me back to my NICU experience with MB and stresses me out. I will attend her shower. I want to make sure her baby is welcomed.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter. The nurses in the hospital where MB was born were so sweet. They brought in all of their old baby clothes for MB so he had something. And another sweet friend brought me a diaper bag and rattles and bibs. I'm thankful, but still find it hard to go to baby showers.

Then there is feeding babies. I LOVE and long to feed babies. MB did not eat. NOPE. I think he was 2 or maybe 2 1/2 before he ate and he never ate baby cereal or baby food. I blended up adult food. I missed the whole pleasure of feeding your baby. Maybe that is why I still shovel it in for him when he won't eat. LOL.
This was brought up by looking at lovely pictures of a sweet baby of a friend of mine who was HAPPILY eating baby food. I realized "I want to feed a baby". I'm rather pathetic, so forgive me and let me feed your kid ok.

Then last night I watched Fried Green Tomatoes while DH was out at a hockey game on his birthday and cried like a fool. I realize again how much I miss my mom. How I can't just call her and say "hey mom. MB has a loose tooth, FINALLY, but his adult tooth is coming in behind it instead of under it. Didn't my front tooth do that? Do I need to take him to the dentist?" I can't ask dad. I love dad, but he is rather clueless to all that happened to us as kids.

So I"m full of "Wow I gotta get over this stuff" today. Any ideas how one gets over what one lost or missed? I want to live a life of no regrets.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

I am 6...going on 16

My sweet MB has gone from 6 straight to the teens.

We were shopping with my sister yesterday (while DH painted the house ;) ) I have been talking about getting MB a digital watch. He really loves watches and I think he gets teased a little that his medic alert bracelet is not a watch.

Anyway, I was looking for a digital watch but not finding them. I told MB we would go to WalMart and look, I was sure I could find (a cheap one) one there. He had a meltdown. Then my sister saw a watch in a different spot. We went to look with MB whining behind us. Then we didn't see any digital again so we walked off, MB huffing along with us.

Then I saw watches. I started to head toward them and called MB to come on. He started huffing and whining and stomping toward the display. I showed him the watch and then told him because of his rotten attitude he was not getting one (maybe Santa will be nicer than mommy). So we went and paid for the jeans (BTW, JC Penny has Arizona jeans buy one get one for $1) and other things my sister got and left.

As we are leaving the store MV says, in TOTAL seriousness:

"but mom, all the other kids are gonna tease me because I don't have a watch!!!"

ROFLOL... I looked at him, looked at my sister, then we both (my sister and I) started cracking up!! That was such a beautiful attempt at parental manipulation that I thought about rewarding that WITH the watch. OMG...he's 6...not 16. What in the WORLD am I gonna get at 16?? it comes. Good thing my sense of humor is still intact.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

I can't believe I let this anniversary pass uncelebrated!

MB is FIVE years post kidney transplant and doing great!!!! On August 8, 2002, my baby boy and my husband went away from me for over 12 hours of surgery.

My husband GAVE freely of himself. He gave MB a kidney.

They are my heros!

God, you amaze me every day I get to see MB's smiling face. I love him so much and am so thankful that you not only spared him death, but provided a parent with health and the right blood type to give him the precious gift of life.

You created him
I carried him
Daddy saved his life
Lord, you saved his soul.

How much better can it get than that!!

Happy Kidney Transplant Anniversary!!!! And many many many (at least 70) more!!

Monday, August 06, 2007

Flying leap

I sure wish that was a totally spritual thing. Taking a flying leap of faith and stepping out to __________ (fill in the blank with appropriate spiritual activity).

But not me. Nope. When I take a flying leap, it's literal, unfortunately.

This morning started out like any other. Up at 5:30, clean the puppy pen so the house does not REEK, feed the puppies (so they can mess it all up again), get MB up and ready for school, put the load of laundry I forgot about from the washer to the dryer, find clothes, make lunches, take a shower. Opps. forgot make the coffee.
Try to be sure I give MB his meds, or daddy knows which ones to give and gives them, get dressed, run out the door scanning for ID badge, purse, keys, cell phone and charger (as I have a newly found bad habit of forgetting to charge my phone at night).

Finally, run out the door. Here's where the leap comes in...well, the trip and fall into the rock driveway. Not paved. Those of you who have been here know. Not a pleasent surface to land on your face on.

In the rush to get MB to school on time, DH and I had a loud discussion, he stormed off to the van with MB while I finshed up getting supper started in the crock pot, whined that I'm under appreciated and spilled my coffee. OK, God, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be mad that he sleeps 30 to 45 minutes longer than I get to. It's my own choice. I don't like being crazy in the morning. Ok. I will apologize when I get to the VAAAaaaaaaaaan *KABLAM*

That, good friend, is the sound of me hitting the rocks. Did you hear it where you are?? DH comes running from the van. Honestly, I was bit stunned. I could not get up at first. Legs didn't want to move. Shoe (which caused the whole trip) was unbuckled. I am now covered in rock dust and pain. Hot seering pain. Yeah baby, wear that one to work for a rugged, hard working appearance.

With much assistance from DH I get up and hobble back into the house to clean up while he runs MB to school (Late on his 2nd full day because of me, thankyouverymuch). I get in the house and assess that I have no other clean work pants. Choice.....skirt or brush the dust off. Since I didn't tear the pants or bleed through them...they stay on. The shirt, tears mixed with dust = mud. Gotta change the shirt.

Well, YEAH I cried. Dude I was in P A I N. If you know me, it's bad to make me cry. I clean up, wash away the blood and clean up my pride as DH comes back for me and we go to work.

I told him in the car this is our reward for fighting in the morning. He was mad,I was mad, God made us realize we could REALLY be late or really hurt. Thankfully, nothing broken, other than pride. Time is nothing. People are everything.

Maybe I will start my mad morning dash at 5am instead of 5:30 while the puppies are here for 2 more weeks.

Maybe the flying leap was spiritual after all.

Where is the ibuprofen.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Where did the time go

I can't believe it is already time for back to school. MB starts school on 8/1 for 1/2 day and 8/3 for the full first day of FIRST GRADE.

It seems like just two weeks ago I was pregnant.
Just 1 week ago he was born so very frail,fragile and sick....
just 3 days ago he had the kidney transplant
Just 2 days ago he learned to walk, talk and finally ate food!

Wasn't it just yesterday he learned to read and write?

I swear it was just this morning that everything he said made me laugh.

He's such a beautiful boy. Very silly. Very smart. He LOVES God. He loves to sing praises. He loves Vivaldi (at least the Spring movement of the 4 seasons).

Where did the time go? My MB is really 6 and going into first grade.

I'm afraid I'm going to go to bed tonight and wake up and find him married with children of his own.

Wow. I suppose all of this means I'm getting older too. At some point I may decide to grow up.

Nah. I'm gonna let MB catch up and we can grow up together.

I'm gonna go play a game with him now. I bet we play the fishing game. Cherish the time. Man, I love being a mom.

Thursday, July 12, 2007 puppies

Our teenage, runaway, unwed lodger gave birth to 7 of the cutest puppies you have ever seen on Sunday. We think this means the daddy is the Rotweiller up the street that runs unhindered. Anybody want a puppy? I have 3 takers so far and 4 more to go, 3 girls and 1 boy...anybody with a HUGE yard want the momma??? I am so serously done with dogs.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Killer headache

Killer headache, day 6. How much longer can I stand the pain in my head????

ARRRggggh...., but a quiet scream. Too loud hurts. Light hurts....thinking hurts.


Wednesday, June 27, 2007

I Miss

I miss my mom.

That's it. I miss my mom.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

a very good friend sent this to me today....

It is from Beth Moore and it applies to my life so much right now it is not funny. Somebody I love is struggling with an addiction that not only affects their life, but the lives of everybody this person loves.

My sin in it all is not trusting God that He can change this person's heart, and in affect, my life.

I am guilty of not believing that GOD is personally interested in me. I long for the days when all I had to worry about was what part of the Bible I was going to read and how long I could pray before I missed class or work....and how I was getting to my next Bible Study. Oh how I long to return to the fervor of my "early days" in Christ.

Father, forgive my wonderlust from you. You have not strayed, I have moved, and too far away at that. Renew my spirit and make it ever true.

oh, and change the life of that person I spoke about. Help them see you and the pit and help them get out of it.

Laurie, thank you for sending this was just what I needed.

Here is Beth's study:

Mind the Holy Spirit’s Warning!
with Beth Moore

“For I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy;
for I betrothed you to one husband, that to
Christ I might present you as a pure virgin.
But I am afraid, lest as the serpent deceived
Eve by his craftiness, your minds should be
led astray from the simplicity and purity of
devotion to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 11:2, 3)

A young woman confided to me that she had fallen into an area of sin after swearing just the day before she would never do such a thing! What is being eroded to give the enemy that kind of entrance to overtake the externals of our lives and our actions? We cannot be possessed by Satan when we are sealed by the Holy Spirit and totally secured by Christ's salvation, but what happens when we slip into his seductive trap?

The Bible shows us that someone can be suddenly and unexpectedly overtaken in sin. Even the most spiritual person can be totally guarded in one area of their life and be trapped by the enemy in another unguarded area. That seems to be the real art of Satan’s plan of seduction. The day-to-day warfare Christians experience may be the hard ball, but seduction is the curve ball that comes from a direction we are not expecting.

No child dreams of being an alcoholic or a drug addict. Nobody plans a sexual addiction. The curious person that viewed pornography for a few moments never intended to be so obsessed that they spend their work hours craving more images.

The truth is that the enemy has planned an addiction for you and he drapes the rope of bondage very loosely at first, then suddenly jerks on the other end and you slip into his pit. We can’t walk in fear or hyper-legalism, but we must learn to walk in the spirit so we sense God’s warning signals.

On occasion, I have walked away from a place or a situation without knowing why. I just sensed the Spirit’s caution. Jesus abides in us by way of His Holy Spirit once we receive Him as our personal savior. It is imperative that we ask Him to fill us so when the Holy Spirit checks us, we will obey His warning regardless of how it appears in the natural.

I asked Christians who’d found themselves in a seductive mess if they were given a warning. Every person said, “Yes.”

“Why didn't you heed it,” I asked.

The consistent answer was, “I thought I was imagining it, so I talked myself out of it.”

Galatians 5:16 commands us to, “Walk in the spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh.” When we sense the Holy Spirit is alerting us, we must learn to mind the spirit.

He will also tell us when a person is worthy of being helped, but we are not the one to help them. We have a very mean-spirited enemy who turns something that looks good into something evil. We may find ourselves broken, devastated and humiliated if we fail to heed the warning.

The voice on the airport tram warns, “Please step away from the door,” meaning if you don't get back, this door will take your head off! Under the open eyes of the Holy Spirit, we hear signals communicated from inside of us. If we don't learn to listen and walk in the Spirit we will feel it and slip into an early grave the devil prepares for us. He wants to bury us alive so far under the mud that we see no way out.

Often we won't make cry for help because we're too ashamed reveal the mess we are in. God has a rescue plan and if we obey Him, we will be able to say as the Psalmist did,

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.
(Psalm 40:1-5)

This Week
God wants you to come before Him and cry out, “Here I am—with all the broken mess I have made of my life. Here I am.”

“Lord, pull me out of the enemy’s pit, and put my feet on The Rock, so I have a firm place to stand. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit so that I will not be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ.”

Monday, June 11, 2007

It's been a few weeks now

I have to say, it does not get easier after your mom passes away.

I have been fine, really, for the most part. It's the little things that really make you miss the ones you love when they are gone.

We have been out house shopping lately (trying to get a bigger place in case dad decides that he wants to come here). We went looking in the school district we really want to stay in and found some really cute home (a bit out of price range, but cute cute houses). When we got home I really wanted to call mom and tell her about the houses, esp. the really cute one with vaulted celings and a basement (unheard of in Tennessee). It was a cold slap in the face to realize I could not call mom. Yeah, I was a bit melencholy after that.

This past week MB had several surgeries all performed on the same day. As I was bringing him home on Saturday, I really wanted to talk to mom. She was the one who came and helped take care of MB and the daddy after the transplant. I could really use her help now. As kids, we all had our tonsils out at the same time (sometimes I think my mom was nuts!!! but in a good way). MB will not drink and it's making me nuts because HE, of all kids, MUST drink, and a lot at that. I have a feeling we are going to end up back in the hospital in the next day or two if he will not drink. Anyway, I really wanted to call mom, who took care of all 4 of us kids after our tonsilectomy, and ask "were we this obnoxious?" (Sorry MB, but yeah, you are being obnoxious!). Again, I can't.

I realize how much I took mom being there for granted.

Call your mom now and give her a phone hug and smootch. Tell her, even if you don't get along all the time, that you love her. It's easier while they are still here!

Friday, May 25, 2007

in honor of a good woman

My mother passed away this afternoon after a long, hard battle with breast cancer. She was diagnosed in 1996. We thought it was gone. We thought she was in remission. She was about to get a clean bill of health 2 years know, 10 years cancer free, when it came back with a vengance.

To my mom....I'm glad you are free from your suffering. I trust you are in Heaven with your dad, mom, brother, and our beloved bootsy. No more troubles. No more pain. Breathing without oxygen. Rest peacefully mom. Know you will be missed. Know the kids will be fine. The grandkids will have great memories. WE will pass on the good. Thanks for all you did for us kids. Thanks for the sacrifices you made that we will never know of. Thanks for teaching us how to be a mom.

In loving memory of Jackie. Peace is finally yours. I'll see you in heaven.
P.S. don't worry, we've got daddy's back!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

MB turns 6 today!!!!

Not bad for a kid that was not supposed to live 4 days.....ha!
To those who have been there from the get go and those who are new to us...thank you for the extreme love and support over the years. We would not have made it this far except for the love and prayers and support of all of our friends that we have met, have never met and sometimes don't even know. May God bless you all.

To my precious boy, who will not only have a special birthday snack day today at school, but will also have lunch in the park, his kindergarten graduation and a special birthday gift on his birthday (he thinks he got all his gifts at his party on Saturday).....I love you more than words will ever express.

I have given everything for you and to you...and I will as long as God gives me breath.

Thank you for fighting when you could have given up.
Thank you for bearing through what is coming up in 2 weeks (ouch).
Thank you for the love and the hope and the future you hold.
Thank you that you gave your 5 yr old heart fully to God, now mommy knows we will be together in heaven someday too.

To my son, my brother in the Lord, and the best gift I ever got...
Happy Happy Birthday!!

I can't help but get all teary eyed when I think of all you have been through. I also get all choked up when I dream about what is to come for you.

You are becoming an amazing boy. Your love of music inspires me. Your desire to not "break God's heart" amazes me and makes me push my own devotion and faith to that more like a childs.

I can't wait to see what is to come.

Have a great birthday MB. Keep on going!!

Love your mommaria

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Quick family update

Mom is still fighting. Dad, against his will, has been forced by reality, to move mom to a nursing home. She goes this Monday. We had some really really high drama in the last month at their house (mostly thanks to my younger sister and her misguided attempt to help). I think my dad is finally willing to let mom go. That is all she is waiting for.

Grandma, my dad's mom, passed away. Her funeral is next weekend up in Illinois. We decided I would go by myself.

I'm stressed. Dealing with my family by myself is not going to be fun, however, my MIL says I can come stay with her. That will be good. I love my MIL.

MB is doing great. He graduated Kindergarten with 98.7%. The only exception was that he still writes a few letters backward. No biggie, lots of practice. We are preparing a 6 year old pirate party for his birthday. Argh!

That about wraps this up.

told you it would be quick.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

A moment of silence

A moment of silence for those lost at Virginia Tech.

God help us all.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Wow!!! I am one happy momma!

We were in church last Sunday and MB tells me he wants to take communion. So I start talking with him about what that means.

He says 'I know mom, it's the blood of Jesus'. yeah, I swear that is what he said. Then he asked if it was really blood. I explained the last supper and the bread and the wine and that grapes make wine, and we drink grape juice here. He asked more questions. I answered.

So, since he "got it" I let him take communion.

Then he started asking me A LOT of questions, so we went into the hall and sat at a table near the coffee station and talked ...and talked... and talked.

I asked him if he wanted to let Jesus be his Lord and Saviour. He said yes. So we prayed...rather he prayed. I cried. LOL....then the pastor gave the invitation and he went forward and prayed with the pastor and told him he wanted to be baptized.

So my baby is being baptized on Easter Sunday!!

Our pastor is beside himself happy that he is baptizing MB. He loves MB! He was actually giggling about it on the phone when he called to be sure we could do it this weekend. When the filled out MB's membership form the elders asked me if MB knew what he was doing. The resounding answer, yes. He knew exactly what he was doing. He said so, to them, himself.

God has big things planned for this little man and now MB admits that he is God's boy.

Rejoice with me. My baby is being baptized after he makes his proclamation of faith that Jesus is Lord on Easter Sunday.


Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Take a deep breath.

In the midst of everything mom, we had a MB scare that I did not mention because I was firmly believeing it was nothing.

I did not mention it, but when we had his labs a week ago they came back with uric acid crystals in his urine. The Nephrologist called me and could be nothing, just dehydration, but what elses causes uric acid crystals.

Wait for it.....

I answered kidney stones.

She TOTALLY one up-ed me.....

she says "it could also be lymphoma".

but she prefaced it with "I don't want to worry you" yeah, spoken like a woman who has no children. OF COURSE YOU WORRIED ME!!!!!

So we made him DRINK like CRAZY over the weekend and re-drew labs yesterday.

The nurse calls me today and assures me all is back to normal.

So, counting the new gray hairs from "not worrying" I still worry because we seem to have a puking issue that is unresolved. I did ask the nurse to look into that for me. She will ask the doc.

So, PRAISE GOD, not lymphoma.

I wonder if this will ever get easier.

Friday, March 16, 2007

How do you say goodbye..

when you don't want to? I know that death is a part of life, and we begin dying the moment we are born. That does not make losing somebody you love any easier.

My mom is dying. We are talking end of it dying, any day now dying. I'm losing my mom. This is not so much about that as it is about telling you about how cool my mom was. Believe me, she made mistakes (as I am quite sure I do as a mom too), but I think people should know how cool they are before they die, not after when only the stories are left for those who survive. Here are a few about my mom.

When we were little kids, I'm talking 4,6,7,and 8, my mom took all 4 of us on a vacation while dad was on a trip. Dad was a truck driver and was gone a lot, but that did not stop mom. She took all of us to the beach, rented a motel room, and sunbathed on the beach while we kids tested the water, built sand castles and basically tortured one another. Now, this was before sunscreen was all the rave, and all of us got sunburned pretty badly. We all slept in a motel bed, mom and little sister and me and big sister and brother got the cot.....
that is one brave lady.

I also remember when we all got the chicken pox at the same time. LOL....poor mom. She had 4 kids, one bathroom and calamine lotion to soothe a small army. How she kept us all alive when I struggle with one, I don't have a clue. She tells stories of us walking up to her and saying "mom, I think I am going to..." blaaaaach....yup, we all, at one time or another, have puked on my mom. Yet, she still loves us. There is her sainthood.

Then there was the time we went grocery shopping in Indiana because they don't have sales tax on food (Most progressive state in the nation people!! this at least). We had a car full of kids and food and I was leaning on the car door. I don't know how, but while we were getting on the interstate, the door popped open. My sister held on to my legs while my mother pulled over and gathered me in the car. I tell you what, being a mom...I don't know how she survived that.
My guardian angel.

Then, when I was in high school, I took mom's car and went to Great America when I was not supposed to. While I was there, some drunk 13 year old hit my mom's car. Wendy and I were okay, and, from the outside, mom's car was okay. By the time we got home, the car was having trouble. When I hit the driveway, the car died and I coasted into it's regular parking spot. The next day the car would not start. I told mom somebody backed into it in the parking lot (hey, half true). My friend Wendy came along and said "hey ma, (*everybody calls her ma) did Mommaria tell you about the kid that hit us last night at Great America"....yeah, she said it. Mom came into my room and asked for the truth. My mom...the lie detector (I have never lied to her since then).

Mom, you didn't do things perfectly, you did them the best you could. You always did what you thought was right by us kids. You always made sure we had what we needed and an awful lot of what we wanted. You were always a friend. You were always strong. You are still strong.

I am so excited that you have prayed and allowed Jesus to be your saviour. I know that cancer may take you, but I will see you whole and happy again when my turn comes. I hope my son has good things to say about me at that point too.

It's just a shame more people don't know you like we do.
You were mom to all. Thanks for the open door.

I love you.
I will continue to love you.
When you go....I will miss you.

Friday, March 02, 2007

"This is the bug that never just goes on and on my friends"

Remember the song from Lambchop? The song that never ends......yeah, this winter and sickness in this house is just like that song....only a lot less clever but just as annoying.

I swear, if MB is not sick I am...if I am not sick MB is. My real question here is "how does DH not get sick"?

I'm about to do some hidden immuno testing on him if this doesn't stop soon.

Before I can do that I have to be able to walk from the pile of blankets on top of my shivering self in the living room the 12 steps it takes to get to the bathroom without shaking my bones to pieces from chills.

Ugh.......Spring spring already, please.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Shameless Clep from another blog (see my blog list and you will see it)

Stole this from a friends blog (honestyrain, thanks! LOL) It's a shame how few of these I've actually bout you.

bold italics=have read the book;
italics=want to read the book;
crosses=own the book;
asterisks=unfamiliar with the book.
and this one i am adding…
~ comments after author name=extra comments i could not resist making
1. The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown)~ no desire to read. I tried. not interested.
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)†
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)~ Look I sat through the movie once, it was enough.
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien) ~ Nope, but the Hobbit, yeah baby!
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)~ LOVE it
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)~again, the movie was enough
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)*
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling) † love it
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)*
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix(Rowling)
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)*
18. The Stand (Stephen King) I like SK, I don't care who knows it.
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)† ~one of my all time favorite books
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)*
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams) ~ hated it
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)~nope, not for me
28. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)† ~loved the series
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. Bible
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)~own it, want to read it,why dont' I read it.
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb ~as a fat girl, I hate this book.
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice)
65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davies)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According To Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)
81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down (Richard Adams)
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)~hated it
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton) ~adored this book
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce

so, what are your favs from here.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Give him wings and he will fly...

We got back from Texas (and apparently brought the cold with us!!)and MB did GREAT flying. In fact, whenever we drive he throws up. I now declare that whenever we travel over 3 hours away, we must fly (bwahahahahahaaa ....sure).

On his first flight from Nashville to Austin, the flight attendant found out it was his first flight, scooped him up, introduced him to the pilot who let him sit in the cockpit, showed him all the bells and whistles, and let MB wear the captain's hat. *insert whistle here* I thought for sure after 9/11 nobody did that anymore. MB ate it up.

They gave him wings and a certificate for flying. Man, I love Southwest!

We flew then from Austin to Midland and then a 2 hour night-time, full of "deer in the headlights,literally" fear to Middle-o-nowhere, Robert Lee, Texas to visit Grandma and Grandpa.

We drove over bumpy roads. We drove over winding roads. We drove over bumpy, windy narrow roads. Did I mention I get car sick really really easily too?? I spent most of the drive with my eyes closed and head back so I didn't yap in the car, especially when my dad drove. No offense dad, but you drive kinda fast. Good to see I come by it naturally.

So, we visited and we left.

On the flight back from Midland to Houston, we were on a 737 with only like 45 people on the flight. We could have sat one person on a row and still had room on the plane. So DH, MB and I sit in a row, DH on the outside, me in the middle and MB on the window seat.

SOMEBODY COMES AND SITS IN FRONT OF MB. Assigned seats? Nope, we fly Southwest. No assigned seats. All the seats full. NOPE....plenty of seats on the plane. Only window seat left? Nope.

But guess what she does the WHOLE flight????

Give me dirty looks when MB talks, kicks her seat (but I don't think he really ever did other than moving around bumps) and when he asks for my coffee.

Lady, there are about 100 other seats on the plane. You don't want to sit next to the whopping 2 children on the flight.....PICK ANOTHER SEAT.

Seriously people. MB was great on the flight. We argued a little about getting his homework done, but he did not kick, scream, etc. He just told me what he did and did not want to do and I told him there is a bathroom on the plane I can adjust his attitude in. *heheehehe*

Somebody tell me why skunk eye lady chose to sit in front of a 5 year old??

Monday, January 22, 2007

"Sounds like somebody has a case of the Mondays"

If you know the movie that comes are familiar with my life today. Office Space will go down in the annals of Classic Movies that get you right where you live.

So, today, as you know, is Monday.
My "case of the Mondays" actually started on Sunday evening.....a great thing happened and therefore the cosmos must play a nasty one on ya. Nope, not blaming God. He's just giggle at all of this today. Testing. Watching. Waiting.

The BEARS won the game and, for the first time in 21+ years the Bears are going to the Superbowl. Does God really care about the Superbowl? Probably not. Though He cares about the guys playing. That's beside the point here...I'm being a little more shallow than that.

So my team wins, good thing. We get some really nice dressers for my sister off of Freecycle, good stuff again, we got rid of the old bunk beds on Freecycle to a really neat couple (the husband of which wants to be a noble is that!). Another good thing.

All is at peace.

Then the counter balance.

Suddenly, it seems young master MB has a fever. Not just a little fever, but his usual 102. This, coupled with a nasty cough, Doctor Mom diagnosis it as his first real nasty cold with fever, body aches and cough. The works. Nothing Dr. Mom can't handle. Right. Right, except Dr. Mom has a job she has to go to. What to do. We planned on being wrong and taking him to school and making them send him home. But I could not bring myself to do it. I would not want a mom to do that to me (though plenty do), so I kept fever boy home. Now, what to do with a 5-year-old while mom goes to work. Ponder with me.


I IM my supervisor when he gets in, let him know what is going on and ask for permission to bring him to work with me until my sister gets off her job to come take him. Problem #1 solved. The gracious employer wants me in the cubicle, so away we go. We pack MB, a bag of stuff including thermometer and Tylenol, Leapster and books, and away we go.

As we go up the nasty hill to get off of our street MB says, "Mommy, why does the car sound funny and is so bumpy?" Mommy figures we got some dirt in the tires (after all we have a nasty gravel drive and it has been raining) so I wait for the sound to stop. Then I feel the "bumpy". Yup.......

flat tire.

So I get to the top of the hill and find level ground on which to jack up the van and change the tire in the cold rain. brrr. Did I mention I never wear my coat because what am I outside in a given day for, about 2 minutes?? Sooooooo in my nice light tan pants I'm trying to figure out how to use this jack I have never seen before, how to get the spare out from under the van and....where is the thingie you turn the lug nuts with??? The neighbor lady comes out and offers to help....but she only helped me to realize I don't have all the equipment to change a tire in my van (better to find this out 1 block from home rather than middle of night middle of nowhere!). So, I de-jack (yes, I know that is not a real word) the van and hobble down the hill in the van, praying not to ruin the rims, back to the house. MB and I get up to the house and he's mad because he can not go to work with me. I'm petrified because I can't get to work!!

So I get in the house and call my sister, talk her into coming to the house when she gets off and loaning me her car so I can go for at least half a day at work and not get put on "disciplinary action" (point system...we can discuss later). She agrees. I call my boss and let him know what happened. His reply "we'll see you when you get here". I'm not sure I like the know what I mean??

So, now I'm in a near panic, MB is asleep on the couch in minutes and I am trying to find a service that will come change my tire for me. (I should mention DH is at work already and can't leave either).

I think....I pray.... I remember. Remember what? I remember our Pastor is a car guy. Yeah. Maybe he can help. So, I call my pastor. And you know what. In this day of nobody caring or helping, he tells me.......
wait for it.

wait for it.......

He tells me it may be 40 minutes, but he is on his way. I love this man. What a heart!!! What a spirit. What a gentle man. Don't get me wrong, this guy is no sissy. He knows a woman in distress when he hears one.

While I wait, I IM a guy at work. Turns out HE is willing to come get me. So he comes and gets me and MB and drives us to work. THANK YOU BRIAN!!!! What a gentleman. He USED to be my supervisor, but moved to a different department, but is still willing to help. He understands where I'm at and volunteers to help. I call the pastor back and tell him never mind, but you know what he says.

in all seriousness......

I'm coming anyway and I'm gonna fix your tire for you. I'm gonna grab Robbie (another guy from church) and we are gonna fix it so you don't have to worry about it. Am I a blessed woman or what???

So I get to work. My sister comes gets MB and takes him home so he can rest. My sister IM's me later in the day to tell me the pastor went out and purchased a tire for me. SERIOUSLY!!!
He said there was a 3" slit in the tire (we think the plug we did last time finally gave out) and he didn't want me to have to use my spare tire, so he purchased a new one for me. When I called him to find out what it cost, he would not take the money. Told me to tithe it back to the church.

I tell you started out a nasty old case of the Monday's and turned into a blessing. What the world considers evil, God uses for good..... Always!

So what if I forgot my house keys and car keys at work today.
So what if MB still is not fully well, he's a bit better tonight.

The world is a better place and God is still on his throne. I didn't even break down and cry or blame my DH for the trouble. Nope, it was all "chance" turned to Choice turned into an opportunity to give thanks to God for good, honest, upright, godly men.

To everybody who helped me today, thank you. To those who prayed for MB, thank you. To those who say there are no honest preachers in the world... I beg to differ. My preacher may not be eloquent, but he loves God, and shows it, and that's what it takes. And Brother Lane, for giving time on your day off. May God truly bless you.

Sunday, January 21, 2007


It has been my mantra all season....I even have MB sininging it all over the house.

The song goes like this:
"The Bears are going to the bowl...
the Bears are going to the bow....
we don't know who they'll play yet,
but the BEARS are GOING TO THE BOWL!!!"

Monsters of the Midway, I salute you!

This year, I may actually host a super bowl par-tay!!!

Whoo Hoooooo (and a sound spanking to the Saints !! bwahahahahaha)

Saturday, January 13, 2007


What a wrong dynamic in my universe.

The current situation:
Mom is dying of recurrent breast cancer in the lungs, bones and anywhere else it wanted to go. The docs are using nice words like "comfort measures" and "2 days, 2 weeks, 2 years....we just don't know". So, while she is still here, we are making an effort to get my MB down to Texas to visit grandma while she is still "healthy" (really the wrong word here. Better words, "not scary yet"). So we are going soon to see her. I tried to go by myself so nobody has to watch me melt down, but mom said I can not come without MB.

She is beyond the 2 day mark and we will see her post the 2 week mark as well. Mom is a fighter. She will hang on for us.


The Siblings:
Sibling #1: Recently moved out of our house into an apartment with her daughter. Sibling #1 is not happy that we are going, but she can not, because she can not afford a ticket nor the time off, and I can't afford to bring her along for the ride this time. She is happily watching the pets at our place for us while we are gone. Thank you sissy.

Sibling #2: Sibling #2 had mom living with him for a few weeks when the cancer first popped it's ugly head back up. Sibling #2's LOVELY wife kicked my mother out of their house while she was undergoing treatments. Dad had moved to the great state of Texas while mom was in the hospital because their house had been sold and they had to be out, so Sibling #2 said he would take mom in because Sibling #1 sold her house as well and had nowhere to go (hence moved to Tennessee) and Sibling #3 has a LOT of issues including a teenie tiny house and some other issues best not discussed here and Tennessee is too far from Indiana to come here when you ar sick and the daily treatment option was out of the question from here, the commute would have done us both in. So now Sibling #2 wants to run down to Texas to see mom before she passes, probably to assuage his guilt.

Sibling #3 is the youngest of us 4 children. Sibling #3 is a big P.I.T.A. Sibling #3 has called my father, who has quite enough on his plate being as he is not entirely healthy himself, and pretty much tells him that he needs to buy her tickets for her, her ignorant jerk of a husband and her two teenage sons who do nothing but play computer games all day. Dad called me yesterday and asked me if I had the same parents as her., dad, that would be more of a question for you and mom...not me. So we talk about it, leading me to tell him how much it is costing us to come see mom. Got a good rate, but it's still expensive. Traveling at crazy hours and days to get there as inexpensively as possible, then there is the car rental and food so mom and dad don't have to feed us. So dad got a ballpark figure. He calls Sibling #3 back and tells her, pretty much, to stuff it. If she can't manage to get her husband off his rump to pay for it, it's not gonna happen. Then he spells out how much airfare would be, plus a rental car (to which she replies that HE should drive the 100 plus miles to pick her and her brood up and pay for the gas to do it) and then he adds the food thing in (now she is irate that they are not willing to feed her). All in all, it would cost her about $2000 for the trip. So now the brilliant Sibling #3 is mad at me because I'm going. Yeah. Like I asked mom or dad for anything.

What have I asked my parents for? I asked that I see their lawyer friend while I am there (so I can help make real arrangements for when mom, and subsequently dad, do pass). I asked if I can go grocery shopping for them and cook some meals and freeze them so when mom can't cook all dad has to do is thaw and warm a dish I made for them.

Talking to dad tonight he flat out asks me "What are you going to do if you mom does not die? You are all going to be mad at me for getting you all to come down here aren't you?". Um......
no. "Dad, if mom does not die right after I come down it means I still have my mom!" Hellooooooo where does he get this crap from??? I then explained to him that I have a 5-year-old monkey who does not need to see death. If mom is "healthy" (see above) then my son remembers grandma "not scary" and has a good memory. You see, it's not just about mom, dad, sibling #1, #2 or #3, not about me, not about death and dying. It's about trying to let my son see his grandma one last time and have a good memory of it, not a scary tube filled, coma thing. This whole thing is hard enough. I don't need trauma on top of it.

Is that wrong?

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Prayers going out to my favorite peripherial muser today.

You and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers all day PM.....

Please have your Copper update us when he can.

God bless and protect you!

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Christmas is over.

I understand that a lot of people get depressed after Christmas. The celebrations are over. No more parties. No "fun" stuff. Family all leaves (more of a relief for some, sadness for others). There is nothing to do. The weather is frightful in a lot of places (sorry Colorado).

But here, it means the decorations have to come down. The only thing that depresses me about that is that I have created more work for myself.

I took the tree down last night and realized a few things about myself.

First, I did not get the kids their ornaments this year. This has become a tradition in our home that we individualize an ornament for the kids every year and mark it with their name and year. When they get their own places, they will have a bag full or "special" ornaments that are uniquely them. That's the plan anyway. I'm a slacker mom after all. Ebay, here I come.

Secondly, I think I will let DH get a real tree next year. Of course, I will probably make him get one in a bag so we can PLANT it, not trash it, when we are done celebrating. We'll see how that goes.

Finally, to anybody who has ever done a craft project with children that involves their face and the year (and possibly Santa), I need to thank you.

Thank you for preserving what I have never had the understanding of the significance of. I found MB's picture from pre-school when he was 2-1/2 with Santa and the one his Kindergarten teacher took this year next to the class Christmas tree. I sat there and cried like a baby. I admit it. I am a total sap when it comes to MB. I have never realized how awesome these little snapshots are. They are taken around the same time of year so you see a full year of change in a face. In this instance, a 3 year difference. I was so touched at the changes in my baby that I just sat there crying. Good thing DH was outside working in his shed or he would have freaked at the odd display of emotions from a woman who, 2 hours earlier, was talking about MB driving her absolutely crazy by talking non-stop.

So to all of the Sunday School teachers, Day-Care workers, grandmas, teachers, moms etc. who have taken the time to do a picture project at Christmas with a child......


You touch mom's hearts when we think the celebration is over.

Next year, I'm not putting the ornaments with MB on the tree. NOPE. I am creating a "MB Christmas tree" in my room, for my enjoyment, of my sweet boy and the celebration of all the sweet people who have thought enough about children to realize "this is special" and worked the project with them or for them.

So next year, if you are in the neighborhood, stop over and say hi, have some coffee, and visit our Christmas trees, one which celebrates the Tree to come that my saviour hung upon and one that celebrates my boy, my gift from God.