FAMILY CHRISTMAS LETTERS YOU REALLY WANT TO SEE

Every year you get them. Letters about all the fun stuff your friends and family have been doing all year while your year was ho-hum at best. Here is the Family Christmas letter I really want to see...you know, honest and ugly.

Merry Christmas to you all.
Well, Mary asked me to do this letter this year and we had a great big fight about it. I told her that she would be lucky if I remembered what we had for dinner last night, but she said she would never let me touch her again if I did not write the family letter, so here I go. She has given me some event ideas, but I'm doing this my own way.

Lets start with the kids. Stuart started school this year. He was so far behind that the teachers recommended we wait till he was 7 to start him in kindergarten. I don't think this will affect him negatively. He is now the biggest kid in the class and I dare anybody to laugh at him. He finally knows his colors and can write his own name. He is still trying to read Dick and Jane. I try not to laugh. Sometimes I can't make it.

Stuart's big brother Jake just got into the 5th grade chior. Darn kid can't carry a tune with a bucket but the teacher wanted to be nice. It's a shame...he sang Jingle Bells so loudly in the school's Holiday Celebration I was proud! I did, however, teach him the alternative phrasing. I bet next year she will let him play the triangle.

And Sissy, well, Sissy is 16 now. Hard to believe. She is not getting a car, ever. I will make sure of that. She took driver's education but flunked when she ran into the teachers lounge while taking the range portion of the test. I bet they don't build the new teacher's lounge so close to the driving range again. Don't worry about Sissy, she will be out of the body cast and back in the passenger's seat by January.

The wife is just as she always is. I sure wish she'd stay out of the Christmas Pudding if you know what I mean. Santa may have to leave his suit behind for her if she bakes any more of those cookies. She wants to take a trip to the ocean this year. I told her we could do it in January to save money. We can just dress warmly. She refuses to shower before noon or clean the house. I am not sure when the last time the toliet was clean is. But don't mention the mess. That's all I gotta say.

And me...well, I imagine after she reads this letter I will be in traction for a while, which will be a good thing. Maybe I'll be in a coma so I can finally have some peace and quiet around here. What's a guy gotta do to be left alone. Honey.....what are you doing.....put the cast iron skil......

This is Mary. As usual, no help from the "big man of the house". I want to invite you all to come visit us this holiday season and as for John, ignore him if he does not recognize you. The goose egg should be gone in a week or 2 and the doctor says the memory loss should be temporary. Can't wait to see you all. Watch out for the Christmas lights outside. John got lazy and they are all heaped in a pile in the middle of the yard, but the dog dragged some into the driveway.

Merry Christmas.
The Family.